If I do leave one day..please know..

that I have enjoyed the fun times we've all had together.

Most likely I'll leave a note with the reason for my leaving.

But basically I'm just tired of getting knocked down everyday. My life is so full unhappiness that even the smallest thing gets me so upset. For example, I drop my books and papers fly out. The result: I talk myself OUT of jumping off a bridge.

You know now I see why I "joke" about that all the time, it's like my Plan B.

Plan A is to wait things out and see if things get better. But Plan B is either jumping off a bridge or running away and never coming back.

Now I'm sorry to be all depressing especially after you guys had a good day.

I just feel like I've given so much of certain parts of myself to other people and I get nothing in return. And it's things people don't even really think about or know about. In the past I've tried so hard to be a good friend, while trying to be a daughter my parents can be proud of, while trying to enjoy my life. But after friendships have gone awry and fights with my parents that I can never take back... I just don't see the point in trying anymore. Maybe that's why I don't try hard enough with you guys or I do try hard or I don't know.

The thing with TI really touched me. Here was a guy about to give up on his life and TI comes and gives him advice and tells him things will get better. And the guy accepts his words and came down.

Me, on the other hand have done similar things in the past, I too have tried to help out people, but I didn't have the same result. God I just feel like even though my friendship with Mariah is over, it still haunts me. It's like I can't get over the past. Maybe I just hate how no one has done for me what I did for her. I don't know what it is. And Dakota too. 9 years of calling ourselves sisters and we don't even talk anymore. It's truly amazing how a fight or something similar can scar a relationship forever. Nothing will ever be the same.

uuggghh I just hate having this feeling inside me. I feel so broken :(

School is alright. Which is nice. But it's not like it matters.

I don't think anything matters anymore. I'm so done with trying. I'm so done with failing. I'm so done with everything. The only way for me to be truly happy in my life is if I get the amazing opportunity to redo this entire life and fix where I went wrong. Which is pretty much the majority.

But I do thank you guys for the fun, great times. Only things I would've changed were the bike rides during the summer, Bennet day in/studying and Eclipse night. But other than that, I appreciated your company :)